Also I know, whoa, a blog post, you never thought you'd see the day. Neither did I. The holidays are a magical time.
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Okay, so the story I'm about to tell you may irrevocably change your opinion of me. It's even worse than the voodoo doll story. Seriously.
Confession: I was a Twi-hard.
That's right, I was one of those crazy Twilight-obsessed vampire groupies who wore a "Team Edward" t-shirt and purposefully used words like "kismet" and "moot point" because Stephanie Meyer did. Now, let the shock of that statement sink in first before I go back to the beginning. Drink some water if you need to. I know this might be difficult to hear.
For starters, I blame Megan.
Megan, a fellow member of a group of friends self-titled The Posse and one of the coolest #cats I know, brought this curse upon me. Back in the days of tenth grade, we were both pretty weird (not that we aren't even weirder now, I'm just trying to give you context). And until each school day officially started, we weren't allowed to go to our classrooms because, well, what kind of kids except delinquents and troublemakers would want to be in their classrooms before they absolutely needed to be? To prevent raucous behavior, we were required to stay in an orderly formation in the hallways on the main floor, and Megan and I used to sit together next to the wheelchair kids. I'm not really sure why we chose to sit next to them, as they were highly aggressive and angsty and would often get into fights, ramming into each other with their tricked out death machines and yelling obscenities at kids who had nicer rims or cooler LEDs--it was a little traumatizing. Anyway, one day Megan and I were sitting there, trying not to get run over by one particularly angry redhead (which, I mean, was understandable--he was probably like "I'm in a wheelchair and I'm a ginger!? Why, God, why!?) (I'm just kidding, I have nothing against redheads and their gene pool is slowly dwindling so let's not antagonize them) and Megan turned to me and asked me that fateful question: "Have you ever read Twilight?"
Twilight? I'd never even heard of it. Sounded kind of stupid to me. I mean, it's titled Twilight? What's next, a book called New Moon? Give me a break. "What's it about?"
"Uh.....Well don't judge it based on this but.....it's about a coven of vampires."
"What!? Vampires!? Are you serious?" Megan had clearly gone insane. I couldn't believe she thought I'd be interested in this garbage.
"No! Seriously! It's so good! I'll lend it to you--just start reading it and I promise you'll love it!"
Yeah. Right. We'll see.
The next day, she brought the book in. "What!? This book is so long! I don't have time to read this!" Between homework and stalking pop punk bands and sulking in my room, I didn't have a whole lot of free time.
"Once you start reading it, I promise, you'll finish it in no time!"
Yeah. Right. We'll see.
That night I took the book home and opened the cover, not expecting much. But by page five, I was hooked. I finished it in a matter of a few days.
There was something about Twilight that was almost intoxicating. It certainly wasn't the genius of the prose--though I wasn't judging that as harshly as I probably should have at the time. It was the characters. Okay, definitely not Bella. Bella was essentially a nincompoop: she made pretty stupid, irresponsible, and nonsensical decisions all the time (here, let me walk around alone in this random town where there are random dudes who could murder me). She was a shell of a personality in an unusually pale and twig-like body, and by the end of the book you really don't know that much about her--but that's the point. Bella was supposed to be a surrogate for the reader. It was brilliant, really. Instead of Edward and Jacob falling for some actual character in the book that you'd then have to be jealous of, Edward and Jacob actually fell in love with you. Isn't that nice?
The Cullen family was the epitome of cool. The ideal super young parents who were concerned for your well-being but not bossy or judgmental. The super hot siblings (who weren't actually related at all so it would have been okay if they had called each other super hot) (they didn't) who enjoyed being smartasses to one another but protected each other when it really got down to it. They'd been alive so long that, not only were they filthy rich, but they had accumulated a gazillion diplomas, lots of awesome clothes, and the best stories to tell at parties ("One time, the Dalai Lama and I were having lunch with Prince Edward and the craziest thing happened") (that story's not actually in the book). And they had a badass house that was 90% glass in the middle of the woods for god's sake--I would probably wet the bed every night if I had to live there. They were all way excited to have a cute little human friend (except Rosalie, but she was just kind of a bitch anyway) and, like, they were vegetarians so they only murdered animals--Bella was totally safe with them (unless she got a papercut, then it was like...sucks to suck). Alice dressed her up like she was little doll (because otherwise she'd only wear drab sweaters that were totally wrong for her body type) and everyone always had a jolly good time playing baseball, the great vampire pastime.
And then there was Edward himself. What's not to love? That bronze hair (though in my mind he had black hair and looked a lot like Gaspard Ulliel--I recommend Googling him if you don't mind drooling all over your keyboard). That sparkly skin (I always did love a dude who liked to shimmer). Those golden (though sometimes terrifyingly red) eyes. Sure, he was kind of obsessive. Sure, he was kind of controlling. And sure, he may have wanted to kill Bella every second that they were together--but he was suppressing it! C'mon, that shit's basically heroism. He just loved Bella so much--and since I was essentially Bella, he loved me so much. There was something slightly dysfunctional but absolutely wonderful about it. I'd be like "Oh yeah, Edward, stalk me to this random town and angrily drive me home in your Volvo" and "Oh yeah, Edward, lurk outside my bedroom window like a total creep." His brooding and occasional murderous rage was somehow charming.
And of course there was also Jacob. Poor kid. Never stood a chance really. All in all, I found him to be pretty annoying in the books with his whole "WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME" routine. But I guess going through your awkward teen years and learning how to morph into a humongous killer wolf would be a little stressful on anyone. And let's be real, Bella was such a tease. (Wait--does that mean I was such a tease too? Whoops.)
I read the second and third books, New Moon and Eclipse in a matter of weeks and I could not get enough Twilight in my life. I stocked up on all kinds of memorabilia--for my birthday I even got the bracelet that Edward gives Bella in Eclipse, with the little wolf charm and the little crystal heart on it. And I wore that thing with pride.
I also got into Twilight around the exciting time when both the first movie was in the process of filming and Breaking Dawn, the super shitty fourth book in the series, was about to come out. (Seriously, I went to the midnight release of Breaking Dawn, read the entire book from 1am to about 3pm, pausing only to snack, and it was a complete disaster. A stupid mutant baby? That Jacob imprints on? That the Volturi get super pissed about and are ready to start an epic battle royale over only to get there and be like "haha jk nvm we'll just leave"? I was livid. I almost burned my copy but then decided I needed it for aesthetic purposes). It was an exciting time in the Twilight world. So what did I do? What any mega super fan does: I joined an internet Twilight forum.
I know, I know, you're rolling on the floor laughing just thinking about this. It's fine, I understand.
As with my initial induction into the Twilight cult, Megan was responsible for this as well. She told me about the forum one day, so I went home to check it out--and of course I ended up joining. Unlimited Twilight news!? Discussions about the accuracy of casting in the movie!? Lengthy explanations about how vampires mate!? (I kid you not, the VMT, or "Vampire Mating Thread," was one of the most popular on the site, and it was full of super committed members who really had a thing for extended metaphors.) It was like I was in heaven. I could indulge in my nerdy obsession with all of these fellow nerds and no one would judge me. And everyone was so welcoming--users seemed genuinely happy to "meet" new people and have them join in on discussions. It was a new sort of phenomena to me, but it was endlessly intriguing.
I started out just posting on Twilight-related threads, talking about which book was the best (I'm a fan of the original Twilight), who would make a better snuggle buddy (obviously Jacob since he was so warm and his body wasn't hard as a rock), and what it would be like when Edward and Bella finally did it (the answer: anti-climactic--thanks for nothing, Stephanie Meyer). But eventually I branched out into the non-Twilight sector, known as the "Flight to Phoenix" section, where people could talk about whatever they wanted. And I became quite a regular poster on the "NBOAD" a.k.a. the "Never Been on a Date" thread.
The NBOAD was more of a general thread about dating and relationships, though there were quite a few true NBOADers, myself included. I'm not really sure what gave me the idea that I could give could dating advice. Not only had I never been on a date, but, at that time, it didn't look like I'd be going on one anytime soon (especially given my extracurricular hobby of being a Twi-hard). But the girls (and few guys) on this thread all seemed pretty desperate, and I'm a good listener, so I soon became the resident expert. I helped people through nasty breakups. I helped people figure out how to approach crushes. I helped people regain their self-esteem after some asshole had torn it down. It got to the point where, if I didn't post at least once a day, people would start freaking out. "Where are you!?" "We need you!" "I could really use your help!" I was even so well-known for my love-guru status that people would refer other users to me: "I heard maybe you could help me. There's this guy..." Two of my fellow NBOADers even dated themselves, over the internet, while thousands of miles apart (it didn't quite work out...but guess who was there to help them through the breakup).
It was a very weird thing. I love helping people, and that's why I was so committed to the thread for so long (well over a year). But the amount that people were willing to share about themselves with a complete stranger on the internet was mindboggling. People would share their deepest, darkest secrets and issues without hesitation. I once had a girl go missing because she was suicidal--and it struck me that there was a person (somewhere in Europe) who was really having these real problems and could really cause herself harm, and I was one of the only people who knew about it. (She came back a few days later and assured us that she was fine, though I don't recall hearing from her ever again.) Nobody truly knew anything about me outside of my reputation on this internet forum, and yet people trusted me without hesitation. And, eventually, some of these people even started adding me on facebook--destroying the security of their anonymity, but still being just as open with me. (I must have looked trustworthy; I don't know, does Taylor Swift look trustworthy?)
Eventually, I couldn't handle all that responsibility to help the masses--and I had to do real-life things like apply to college and rehearse for a show--so I sort of resigned my post as Dr. Love. I still keep in touch with a few people from the NBOAD; one of them is a dear penpal of mine from the UK, and we still love to swap juicy stories and dating advice. But, when I look back at my experience on the Twilight forum, I think about all of those people I encountered and where they might be now--and I wonder if a few simple words from one stranger on the internet to another may have actually made an important difference in someone's life. The fact that a thread on a forum could be a support system for people from all over the world, who'd been brought together by nothing more than a common interest in a poorly-written vampire novel--just like Twilight itself, it was simultaneously dysfunctional and wonderful. (My NBOAD days really helped me in thinking about the show that I co-wrote about our behavior on the internet, Sparksource.)
Also eventually, I got sick of Twilight. The movies were garbage, the books got to be too mainstream, and I moved on to actual pieces of literature like East of Eden and The Sun Also Rises (yeah, so I'm a pompous English major, deal with it). Although I think what actually did it for me was the one meeting of the Twilight Club that Megan and I attended out of curiosity. Never in my life have I been more afraid of being murdered by a group of girls with purple hair and black clothes and vampire fetishes. I think I threw in the towel right then and there.
But Twilight served its purpose in my life, and I served my purpose on the NBOAD, and now all I have of those days are the memories, letters from my penpal, and a leftover interest in vampires that I indulge in with The Vampire Diaries.
Shut up, you know Ian Somerhalder is a babe too.
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